9:30

{9:30}

 

 

I was over a week late & starting to get really worried.  Today, I'm grateful that I started my period.  I'm extremely fortunate to have had two children and that's where I'd like my fortune to stop.  My sanity can handle two on good days.  The thought of adding another sibling to our clan is so terrifiying to me.  A third would feel like the prisoners took over the jail.  A third just freaks me out.  I see families with three & I start to sweat.  I know lots of people with three kids & they're all good familes.  I know that someone will comment here or on Flickr something along the lines of this:

LOL!  I thought the same thing & then we had #3.  I wouldn't change it for the world.

And I'd say, "That's so wonderful!"  And I'd actually mean it.  I just don't want to take that chance.  I like sitting at a table without having a chair hanging off the end.  Amusement parks will love us because we aren't breaking up the family for roller coaster rides.  And god forbid, our third was a girl.  Here's another comment I have gotten or might get again:

LOL!  I only wanted boys too & then my girl came along.  I love her so much!

And I'd say, "That's wonderful!"  And I'd actually mean it.  If I had to pick, I want all boys.  But since that's not how nature works, I'm certain I'd love a daughter too.  I'm not cold-hearted, I just know what I'm good at.  Fart sounds & boogers are where I'm strongest.  That being said, a third child for us would definitely be a girl.  I just know it.

But whenever a period is late, your mind scampers off to the big "What-if?"  They actually over-warn you before a vasectomy that a pregnancy is possible.  The chances are 1 in 64,000.  But there's a 1 in that sentence & that's all I focus on.  During this week, I was assuming that my body is still getting used to not have birth control in its system, but it was starting to freak me out. 

Here's the part of the story that does make me sad.  I adore being pregnant.  If I could spend my entire life being pregnant, I just might.  I'm not sure what it is.  I wasn't overly emotional about the pregnancy.  When I saw the ultrasounds, I didn't cry at the sight of my son.  I didn't fully attach to either kid while in utero.  My pregnancies were easy.  I was huge, but that was fine.  It was funny to bump into things with my bump.  It was amusing to hear the shit people would ask or say about my pregnancy.  I liked trying to figure out if I was resting my book on a baby butt or a head.  I loved being the hospital.  I loved breast-feeding all over the place.  All of it & I will miss that until the day my kids put me in a home.  But I don't want the rest that comes with a pregnancy, I'm thrilled & blessed with the two I have.  I'd carry babies for the 20 women if I could, but I'd gladly hand their child over the second I pushed it out.  Goo & all.

Until someone rents out my womb, I'm grateful to have started my period.

-Erika