Sunday, September 12, 2010

Not Sure What's Going On

When summer ended, I was really, really happy because this summer kind of sucked for me. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but it wasn't up there in my all time favorites. It never really seemed like it was a summer for me; granted, school was out, it was hotter than Hell, and I bought new flip-flops, but it never really jelled for me.

Trying To Figure It Out
Contemplating Everything

I spent a good percentage of my time this summer crying, and I have no clue what is causing it. For some reason, I think I might have blogged a bit about it, but even that escapes me at this time. One Friday when I was cleaning, I caught sight of myself in the mirror and burst into tears. Not just a little tear in the corner of my eye but huge, gulping, snot-streaming-out-of-my-nose tears. I was cleaning the damn house one minute and fifteen minutes later, I'm sobbing on the couch trying to fold clothes. I tried to explain it to Dave, after a poignant story came on the news that he missed. Trying to explain the story to him resulted in me crying and telling him that I didn't know what was wrong.

Not Quite Ready To Bam
Not BAMming Yet

Part of me was wrapped up in the whole "I'm Not Good Enough" routine that I go through every once and a while. I work myself into a frenzy thinking that I'm not a good enough: mom, wife, daughter, sister, teacher, knitter, photographer . . . slap an "-er" on there, and I'll think I'm not good enough. I certainly spent more time analyzing my mothering skills this summer than I should have, and I came up with more question marks than anything.

Orange With A Splash of Purple
Lounging Around (and trying to keep my boobs in my shirt)

The other part of me is wrapped up in being 40. Sometimes I'll try to take stock of my life and see what I've done, and I'm not sure what that is because "I'm Not Good Enough" . . . it's a vicious, vicious cycle. I thought that by this age, I'd have it all figured out. But some days, I feel as unsure of myself as I did when I was 23 and dirt poor. Everyone wants to make an impact on at least one person's life, and I'm starting to feel like I won't.

Usually I can get this out of my system after a few weeks, but this funk has stuck around longer than the other funkers have. I never, ever call it depression because I don't necessarily think that's what it is; maybe it is, and I just don't want to admit it. So for now, I'll try to figure it out day by day. Some days are better than others, but then I see a photo of insert any of a various list of nouns and the tears well up. Crap.

- Jill


  1. i could practically copy and paste this post right onto my blog. i have been dealing with the same funk. i've actually written the post in my head, but keep putting off typing it up.

    for me, part of it is that i am just not where i want to be in life right now and that is a shitty, selfish feeling to have. so then i have guilt on top of all the other stuff.

    like you, my downer moments come in cycles, so i try not to read too much into them. but mine is doing that linger thing too.

    hope things clear up for you soon.


  2. Well, you're a great sister-in-law

  3. Are you serious? You're a teacher. You already have made impacts on many lives. I can't even begin to say how much I admire teachers like you, for the things I got from teachers whio cared, from what I see happening in my sons' schools with some teachers. I don't know why public school teachers are not revered in the manner of rock stars.
    (as far as the crying etc, I think it goes with having kids your daughters' ages, at least that's what i think happens to me).