Sunday, August 1, 2010
July has felt slumpy. It isn't a full fledged depression. You know the kind. You wake up one day & your eyes are covered with dark glasses. The kind of glasses that don't let in any joy, happiness, or really any type of emotion. And then without warning, you fall asleep. You wake up, begin your day, and sometime around lunch you realize that the glasses fell off. Sunlight hits your eyes again & life is good. A slump is slumpier. You feel like you're tittering on the edge of normalcy & depression, but somehow you've remained balanced on the edge. But the depression is also looming off that edge. Waving at you. Telling you it's fine to jump cause he'll catch you.
I usually look through my end of month photos & are comforted that the days have unfolded beautifully. The days were captured for what they were. Some were important & marked by occasions. Others were important because they were marked by nothing but ordinary goodness. But July's Month didn't do it for me. I can look at the photos & say, "Hell yes those are good photos." That's a confidence I have & really always have. I know that I can produce a good photo. I can stand next to them with ease. Not saying that I'm the best, but I'm saying that I have a talent. My problem with the July mosaic was that I'm not feeling the importance of capturing those days.
When I decided to run head first into photography it was for the sole purpose to capture every moment of our family life. To edit the photos in the manner of how it appeared in my head. To prove that making pizzas can be just as memorable as a graduation. And looking at July, I again can say that I've accomplished that. But it didn't have the same impact that it had from January to June. It just didn't feel enough. I started to ask myself daily, "Is this it?" Some days, I only took the pictures to fulfill my 365 duties and it wasn't satisfying at all. And that sort of frightens me. I want it to be enough. For the past 6 months it was enough. More satisfying than I could have ever imagined. And I need to find my way back there. That doesn't mean going backwards to find it, but it does mean that I might have to work on a different path. I have no idea what that means or where that will take me.
This phantom tugging became a nagging bitch during my last work trip. Spending four hours alone in the car can turn a marginally happy woman with a slight issue into a raving lunatic by the time you reach your appointment. I decided to finally pick up "The Artist's Way". I'm only into the first chapter, but I already can feel the importance of the book. For the next 12 weeks, I thought "Why not give it a try?" What's it going to hurt? Maybe I'll shake out slump of this on my own. I'm not sure if the book will even help. But why not?
Don't feel bad for me. That's not the point of this post. I'm assuming that slumps even out. I know that I'll find my way. And I'm not depressed. Promise. You'll know that. I just need to figure out what I want from photography. I'm not giving up on my 365 or the Flickr projects I've started. Even though July didn't feel as passionate as the past couple months, photography still excites me like no other hobby. I just felt like I should rant a little.
Posted by Erika at 2:14 PM