Monday, December 27, 2010

Tonight, I'm a Martyr. And I could give a shit.


I try really hard to not play the martyr role.  Maybe everyone around me would laugh & ask "Give up, lady.  You're a martyr through & through."  But I try not to.  Honest.  I do.  But as the kids get older, it seems harder & harder to fight that character.  But only as a true martyr would say: Aren't mothers created to become martyrs?  Really?  When the baby is placed in our arms, it comes with a little Martyrdom card hidden in the receiving blanket.  Maybe some mothers find it & others are blinded by their infant's beauty.  Like it or not even with the most helpful partners, I'm guessing that all mothers take on more.  The balance in a house with children is never quite level.  We do the shit jobs.  We rush when called.  We just do more because we can't fight it.  And eventually all good women can't help but feel like we do it without a thank you.  Maybe I'm relishing in my martyrdom today & I'm the only one that rushes or picks up shit.  Maybe I'm the only one that would like a hardy "Thank You" from all parties.  If I am, let me wallow.  Let me be a martyr for a day so I can get it out of my system.

Today, I was lazy & didn't make  or plan a full meal.  But I also didn't serve them cereal.  We've had cereal a lot lately because of sickness.  They could not have cereal one more day.  So I made grilled cheese.  They both ate their sides but shoved the sandwich out of sight.  "Eww" was the collective groan at my table tonight.  I'm tired.  There's laundry to be done.  There's dishes to be washed.  I made dinner & you say "Eww"?  Are you kidding me?  As each boy left the table disgusted with dinner, I sat among the untouched plates.  I made dinner.  I made dinner again that wasn't eaten.  Again!  It wasn't lentils or tofu which I've done & won't apologize for because sometimes they eat it.  It was grilled cheese.  GRILLED MOTHER FUCKING CHEESE!  I scrapped it in the trash.  Did the dishes.  Settled fights.  Covered up kids for the second time.  Folded laundry.  Made a side dish that actually made me say a genuine "Eww".  And wrote a Boo-Hoo post.  Tonight, I could give a shit if I play the martyr role.  Tonight, I'll wear it like a badge of honor.

I'm a martyr.
Tomorrow, I'll try to not be.

-Erika

p.s.: Here's my 365 countdown picture.  Fitting.

{202:365}

9 comments:

  1. oh, erica i LOVE your post today! go you! and i hope that you will have a better day tomorrow!

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  2. Big hugs sweetie! Sometimes mothers really don't have an easy job. Hope tomorrow will be a better day.

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  3. some days are challenging, you are not alone. a thank you is needed. most. of. the. time.
    you write from the heart and talk for us all.
    x.

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  4. i freaking love you. don't jump off a bridge I'm sure things will be better tomorrow.

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  5. Between motherhood and irish catholic background ... I'm doomed to martyrdom. I know exactly how you feel. Some days suck and others suck more. Hope today is better. :)

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  6. i feel ya, lydia refused pizza tonight! this isn't going to come out right, but it is good to see this side of you. hopefully you know what i mean.

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  7. As someone older--who's seen her children become real, actual people--I can offer these wise words: Motherhood sucks, then it fuckingsucks, and then it sucks some more. Being a mother is THE hardest job in the world. Martyrdom is just part of the job description. So, you're doing it right...........

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  8. love this! love every little thing about this post!

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