Thursday, September 2, 2010

One of my Favorite Statements

I love when someone says, "There are two types of people in this world."  How could you not love this delicious nugget?  I mean really!  The person in front of you has just boiled down all mankind into two categories.  No gray areas.  Only two types & that's it.  There are the types the love Edward or Jacob.  The types that do that thing in the bedroom & the types that don't.  The types that laugh when someone falls & the types that pretend not to notice.  The types that hope for the David Lee shows & the types that beg for the Sammy shows.  Here's my statement.

There's only two types of people in this world: Poppers & Non-poppers.

You know who you are.  You read it & went, "Well, I'm a _____."  There's no half poppers or barely non-poppers.  It isn't possible.  But if you're delusional, let me help you figure out which camp you're in.  Non-poppers are responsible people.  They know the dangers of infection & scarring.  They're patient people.  One day, a whitehead will form on their neck.  On the following day that whitehead will resemble a second head.  They won't touch it.  They won't even try to carry on a conversation with it.  They'll just ignore it.  Until one day when they're removing their shirt, it explodes all over the place.  That's how Non-Poppers take care of popping things.  They also get the best zits.  Go figure.

 Poppers are different.  "Scarring" & "Infection" are words that don't exist in their vocabulary.  They will try to pop the unpoppable: a butt zit (everyone knows those don't pop) or a mosquito bite just because of its raised formation.  It's fair game & a disappointment they've experienced a hundred times.  Poppers have to be warned when they have newborns.  "Those little white bumps can't be popped" is repeated often during those first months.  Poppers have stories about their conquests.  "Remember that one on Dad's back that came out six inches long & smelled like shit?"  "Remember that one that was in a weird place?  You popped it in the shower & it brought you to your knees."  Remember that one that had to be dug out?"  Poppers have to sit on their hands when they're behind a Non-Popper in church.  Poppers know that a bobby-pin or a key can be useful tools in the art of popping & the tool they sell in Sephora is a rip-off.  Poppers are a determined bunch of folks that pray to have a huge zit.

So which are you?



  1. you are one hilarious popper!!!

    nic, also the popping kind.

  2. OK, word verification says "phole"...
    did i pop a hole into the blog right now?

  3. Popper, despite the ugly scar on my nose from an early pop gone bad.

  4. I tend to self identify as a picker. It includes popping, but also lends itself to things like scabs. I can't tell you how many scars I have on my legs from not being able to leave well enough alone as a child.
    Also, while you can't get the white bumps on infants, you can get the cradle cap. Which Wyatt still has, which I picked at yesterday like a mama monkey.

  5. I call butt zits "bimples." Popper, for sure.

  6. you kill me.

    popper, most definitely. hmmm, I see a trend ... bloggers are poppers?

  7. Honestly, why someone would leave an oozy, juicy zit alone for even a millisecond (fine, maybe to let it fester and get even more oozy) is beyond me? Nothing gives me greater pleasure than popping a zit . . . but you know that.

  8. damn, you are brilliant.
    "they also get the best zits" almost had me on the floor laughing.

    while i most certainly do not pray for a good zit (though i did just have a beast), i am definitely a popper.

    i'm a popper
    he's a popper
    she's a popper
    wouldn't you like to be a popper too?

    have no clue why that popped into my head. but it did, had to share.