The Eve of my Journey into Motherhood.

I'm celebrating tonight and I don't feel awkward or self conscious posting it.  Six years ago, I was huge and uncomfortable, but life was still pretty easy.  If I didn't want to eat lunch, I didn't.  My fingers had never touched human poo.  I could go to a movie whenever I wanted to.  If I had a headache, I could sleep all day until it went away.  I could make chili as spicy as I wanted to.  I had disposable income.  I was an expert in my own life.  At 10 p.m., a whopping contraction was about to change all of that.

When I got pregnant, I spent 9 months telling everyone I had no clue what I was doing.  I didn't.  I spent the first three months with a baby that didn't want to be outside the womb. I'm guessing that if I thought I knew what to do with a normal newborn, Cooper was there to prove me wrong.  I'm grateful that I had no clue.  Life was a tad easier during a difficult period.  He was fed, cleaned, and swaddled a lot.  I figured out how to do those basics.  I never figured out how to stop his crying, I just figured out how to live with it.  

But on the eve of my Motherhood anniversary (Hallmark should make a card), I still don't know what I'm doing.  I'll be honest because I think that helps.  I probably should be doing more to potty-train my youngest.  My oldest is late entering organized sports.  I don't read to my youngest as much as what I did with Cooper.  Sometimes I laugh when I shouldn't.  I'm carrying a three year-old when I vowed to never do it.  I lose my temper more often than I'd like.  Right now, they're on the computer when we all should be playing together.  None of these things will shatter our world.  In six years, I've learned that motherhood is hard and sometimes completely overrated.  Why make it harder by being an expert?  Children are so unpredictable and different, I don't understand how anyone can claim that title even for your own family.  I'd rather be a beginner at Motherhood.

Maybe that's my current key to life: to always be a beginner.  You can't fall far when you admit that you have the basic knowledge of a job.  I know the basics.  Seatbelts.  Give them good food most of the time.  Make sure they sleep at some point.  And teach the Golden Rule.  My kids are happy and healthy.  Sometimes they say, "Please" and "Thank you" without be prompted.  They hug each other when we do pick-ups.  They won't spit food out at the table if they hate it.  They'll choke it down and won't take another bite.  Our parenting accomplished those actions, but I still really have no idea how to do this job.  

I also don't think calling myself a Beginner is code for Slacker.  To me, a beginner looks at all aspects of tasks.  I'll listen to all the advice you want to give me.  If I don't take it, don't be offended.  I know it won't work for our family.  I'm not completely clueless.  And if we're talking and I give you advice, I'm not saying you're a bad mom.  I've been on this path.  Maybe I've been on it longer.  Maybe I've got something that might just work for you.  Maybe I'm not completely clueless.  Maybe I think a community of ideas is much stronger than one ridged concept.  But don't take it as a motherhood gospel.  I wouldn't.   And I won't be offended.  You know what works for your family, but maybe off-road it a bit & see if it works before squashing things.  I've done things I never thought I would and it works.  But if you think I'm a Slacker, that's fine.  In the past 6 years, I've learned something I should have already known: Women like to judge.  And mothers judge more because the sake of their own parenting depends on the fact that they are right.  My parenting or self-worth doesn't depend on being right.  My parenting depends on giving my children the tools to be happy and independent.  And I'll admit I'm wrong to accomplish that.      

One of those things I was able to be and do 6 years ago is back.  I'm back to being an expert about myself.  After a road of full of doubt, I know me again.  And what I've learned is I'm not an expert in anything but myself.  I know what I like and how to deal with stuff I don't.  I know that my life is about dealing with change and I'll even do some changing.  But I'm not an expert on my spouse, my children, or anything else but me.   I might know how to deal with them better than a stranger would, but they keep me on my toes all too often.  I wish I could go back to have poo virgin hands, but that's asking for too much.

Here's to many more years as a beginner.  Because I'm guessing all this knowledge I've acquired isn't going to do shit when the kids are teenagers.  It will mean nothing when they're adults.  No use in trying to be an expert.

-Erika