What You Love To Hate

Around Christmas time, Dave found a Clockwork Man on a website for about $6.00 and decided to buy it. He told me it was huge, but I never anticipated on it being as tall as what it was. He's had other large action figure before, and all have had disastrous results.

The Sauron figure he bought in England had a voice chip and would play some of the lines from the Lord of the Rings movies. It was so loud that I could hear it in the living room. Occasionally it would go off in the middle of the night and scare the shit out of me. How else should one react when you hear a booming, "Build me an army of Mordor." One minute I'm sleeping soundly, happily dreaming of fluffy bunnies or Matt Damon or fluffy bunnies and Matt Damon. The next? Wondering if my house is being attacked by Orcs.

Prior to Sauron, he had a Stormtrooper that was incredibly detailed in all respects except for one: balance. At least once a week, he would spring from his perch and land on the floor with a giant thud. Sometimes it would wake me up and I would place it gingerly on the dresser. But other times I would step on it upon waking and nearly fall head first into the dresser. The Stormtrooper lasted a little longer than Sauron, but I did threaten to break its head off the next time it decided to commit suicide by dresser jumping.

So, the Clockwork Man? It holds a special place in my heart because it didn't do a damn thing to me . . . it did it to Jordan. About four or five years ago, Jordan and Dave were watching a Doctor Who episode, "The Girl In the Fireplace," and she got supremely scared by the Clockwork Man. I wasn't home and didn't fully comprehend how scared she was until later. The phone rang about 3 AM, and when I answered, it was a very frightened Jordan on the other end. The only problem? She was calling to tell me she was a) scared, b) right next door in her bedroom, c) calling from her cellphone, and d) all because of f-ing Doctor Who. Really? From Doctor Who?

Fast forward to this Christmas and the cheap sale for the Clockwork Man action figure. Dave was tempted to put it in her bed - but didn't. Instead we called her into our room one night after we had gone to bed, and she and Shelby were coming back from a friend's house. Upon seeing it, she let loose with a litany of words that would make any sailor proud.

- Jill